Grief Is . . .

Grief is Inevitable

I think of grief as the wound left by loss. Often that loss involves someone we love deeply, but not always.

What happened the last time you lost your keys, your phone, or an important document?

Did you feel panic? Anger? Frustration?

Maybe you’re one of those rare people who calmly says, “It’ll turn up,” and goes on with your day. If so, the rest of us would love to know your secret.

Loss stirs something in almost all of us.

We become attached to objects, pets, and especially people. When something precious disappears, even for a moment, our hearts respond. A child wanders out of sight at the park. Your spouse doesn’t call when expected. An elderly parent is late getting home. Before we know it, fear begins writing stories in our hearts.

Raise the stakes, and our reactions grow stronger.

Divorce, moving, unemployment, or illness may bring tears, confusion, or even a shaking of faith.

And of course, grief can threaten to overwhelm when we lose our best friend, our husband or wife, our mom or dad, our grandparent, or our child.

The size of the loss changes the depth of the grief, but grief itself is not the enemy. It is the heart’s natural response to losing something precious.

Even so, we are never truly alone. God promises never to leave or forsake us, and He walks each valley with us.
He comforts us through His presence, through Scripture that speaks truth into our pain, through the Holy Spirit, and often through the caring presence of His people.

---

Grief is Normal

Everyone experiences grief.
As children, grief comes gently when a pet goldfish dies. More harshly if it is someone close.

Scripture reminds us to:

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” (Rom 12:15)

It is better when the burden is shared.

We are indebted to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s work on grief. She worked with dying patients and identified “The five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.” Her work has been transferred beyond the dying, to those left bereaved.

Though she called them stages, even she said they don’t work as stairsteps:

“They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.”

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (EKR Foundation)

Common responses to grief:

Shock and Disbelief (Denial)

I was in chaplain training (learning about grief) when I got a call from Marie who was Dorothy’s friend. Dorothy, as I described in the previous article (Loved More Than I Knew), was like a mother to me. She said that Dorothy had passed away. I told her she had the wrong number.

That is the power of denial. I did not want to hear that news. I could not comprehend it.

Denial is the mind’s shock absorber. My brain needed her to tell me several times before I could accept what she was saying.

People can be numb for days after a death, unable to fully comprehend what has happened.

I’ve seen many immediate reactions to death as a hospital chaplain:

• Disbelief: “No, it can’t be true.” “You’ve got the wrong person.”
• Shock: Deer in the headlights look, fainting or vomiting.
• Outbursts: Screaming, praying, or displaying anger.
• Silence
• Task-focused: Making phone calls, arranging details, focusing on what needs to be done.

Anger

Not everyone expresses anger at the death of a loved one. After a long illness, relief can be genuine.

However, I have heard many angry outbursts in the hospital when people received horrible news.

Some people are angry at doctors, at the purported cause of an accident, at other relatives, at God or at themselves.

Maybe that is why there are often threats to sue someone…anyone. The idea that this just should not have happened feels like it needs to be funneled somewhere.

If Only…(Bargaining)

When people know that death is coming they often try to bargain with God. I’ve heard people say, “God can have me, just save my grandson.”

More often I’ve heard comments that might come from guilt, regret, or just wishing for a different outcome.

“If only they had caught the cancer sooner.”
“If only he hadn’t gone to the store that night.”
“I should have seen it coming [and somehow prevented it].“
“I didn’t even say I love you this morning,”

Deep Sadness (Depression)

The deep sadness of grief is normal. Tears, having no energy, being tired and not being able to think clearly are hallmarks of early grief.

Let others make small decisions and let trusted ones help you with big ones.
If you are close to a bereaved person, step in and help with simple tasks until they are able to help direct you. Don’t overstep, but don’t bombard them with unnecessary questions and decisions either.

When someone close to you dies, grief has no expected end date.

The first year can be especially hard. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays may remain difficult. You might want to intentionally include your loved one in your day instead of just feeling sad.

I’ve done this by sharing a memory, a toast, or eating their favorite food or snack.

---

Grief is Messy

And here is why I will never be published in scientific journals:
Grief does not proceed in stages or phases, but is more like the game of Chutes and Ladders.

You have good days and bad days. You are climbing up.
You make progress, but some days you feel like you’ve slid back to square one.

After weeks of crying at the simplest thought, or not wanting to get out of bed, you find yourself smiling.

Then out of nowhere you might see someone that reminds you of your person, or hear a song, or smell their perfume, and the tears start again.

Or you might think the anger or guilt is gone, but, no, there it is again.

I call these sudden swampings of emotion “sneaker waves.” Especially when you’ve been doing better.

When my husband was four, his family lived in Navy housing in Hawaii. He and his Mom were holding hands, standing in the surf near Waikiki Beach. She was looking away from him, when a big warm wave came in and went over his head. He was looking up at his Mom, but she never noticed that the wave swamped him.

Sneaker waves are like that. No one else may notice that you’ve been swamped.
And the waves usually leave as quickly as they’ve come. Just fast enough to prick your heart for a moment.

A moment to remind you of how deep your love is for that person.

But unlike the game, you aren’t starting over. You bring with you everything you’ve learned, everyone who has walked beside you, and every evidence of God’s faithfulness. The tears may return, but you are not the same person who first began grieving.

---

Grief is Necessary

I believe that the tears that hurt you the most are the ones unshed.
People say it’s good to cry. Some people are good at tears.
I never used to be. Maybe as the memories are unfreezing, the tears are thawing as well.

Jesus wept — right before He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead.
He still entered the sorrow of the moment.

Our tears are precious to God. I love the Scripture that says He collects them in a bottle (Ps. 56:8). He notices each one.

Like unshed tears, the unfelt feelings and the pushed down thoughts are the ones that bite you.

Cry, rant, journal, scream-pray to God.
Let whatever is stuck inside you out.
Spring clean your emotions.

Unreleased grief doesn’t simply disappear.

The ache of missing someone may last a lifetime. Healthy grief usually changes over time, becoming less raw as we learn to carry it. But grief that is never expressed or processed may remain like an open wound instead of gradually healing.

I witnessed this firsthand. After my Dad died, my Mom remarried quickly. Looking back, I don’t think she ever had the opportunity to fully grieve his death. Over the years, I often saw that unresolved sorrow surface in sadness and regret.

---

Grief is Personal

Every culture, every family, and every person grieves differently.

In ancient Israel, they hired mourners to wail with you.

Grief settles in after the initial reaction, whether expressive or not, has worn off.

Some people write checklists and get things done.
Others dissolve into tears, depression or inaction that may seem to last much too long.
There are many stops in between.

When my Mom passed away and it became apparent that I was the one to officiate her funeral service, I noticed I was in an emotional haze for weeks.
I thought, not to worry, the tears will come. And they did.

Grief can last longer if it is tangled with the unresolved wounds of childhood or complicated relationships.

This may also be true of those who experience many losses that come close together.

Although some ways might be more helpful, there are no correct ways to grieve.

---

Learning to Carry the Loss (Acceptance)

Grief doesn’t heal the way a broken bone heals.

Instead, we gradually learn to carry it.
Ignoring the pain or numbing it with substances or activity will only prolong the process.

Grieving well takes courage, vulnerability and time.
With intention, it mellows and becomes less painful.
You discover that you hurt less, and cope better.
You walk into “a new normal”.

Christians grieve deeply. But we do not grieve without hope. Because of Christ, death does not have the final word. If, like me, you believe you’ll see your loved one again in Heaven, that hope reminds us this world isn’t all there is.
What a reunion awaits us!

If you’re struggling, let others help carry the load. Talk with family. Join a grief group. See a counselor if you need one.

We’re made to go through trials and tribulations.
Not necessary by ourselves, but with God’s help and sometimes with the help of others, we can pass through the deepest waters.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to post below.