Learning to Listen

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling like the other person never really heard you?

I was a chaplain for the better part of 25 years.
One thing I learned early on was that learning how to be a good listener was crucial.
And much harder than it sounds.

When I step into the chaplain role, I’m all ears and affirmation, very focused on listening.

To listen means:

• You hear every word, and watch the eyes, the expressions, the hands.
• You see what matches and what doesn’t.
• If they smile, does it reach their eyes?
• Is there a tear that wants to spill over, but can’t quite make it?
• Do they start to say something and then stop?
• Do they throw out a hint of something important but gloss over it?
• Is there a hint of emotion in the voice?
• Is there energy in the statement or is it flat?

It means all those thoughts you want to share get shifted back.
You nod, say uh huh, stay connected.
You fight the urge — sometimes with everything you have —to say, yes, I know! That happened to me yesterday…and take off with your story.

Scripture reminds us: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak…” (James 1:19).

Two ears. One mouth.

Yet it’s still hard for me when I’m with friends, chaplain badge off.

You don’t have to be a chaplain to become a better listener. As you model good listening, you may discover others who will listen back.

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Become a Safe Listener

Listening doesn’t seem to come naturally to many people. Most of us are excited to tell our story, to be heard.

But maybe you’ve experienced what it’s like to be really listened to — to have someone hear your heart, not just your words.
Good listeners focus on you in a way that makes you feel like you are the only person in the room.
You can feel when they are sincere. You can feel when they care.

You can become a safe listener, as well. Here are some tips:

Ask gentle follow-up questions.

Show interest in what they are saying by inviting them to share a little more.
Open-ended questions allow the person to continue their story instead of shutting it down with a simple yes or no.

You are not asking questions to satisfy your curiosity, but to show that you care about what they are sharing.
Repeat the last phrase as a question if you can’t think of anything else.
He went golfing? (I’s weird, but it works.)

Show you are listening.

Don’t stare at them uncomfortably, but be interested.
Make small nods or gestures.
Make gentle mm-hmm or agreement sounds.

My husband tends to not make any sounds or gestures. I often wonder if he hears me, but he does.
Meanwhile I make such enthusiastic head nods and sounds that people assume I already know what they’re talking about — but I don’t.
Balance is key.

Keep confidentiality.

Do not share what you learn with friends, spouses, or church people.
Not even disguised as prayer requests. If they ask you to share, that’s different. People will not be able to trust you if you do not keep confidences.

If the situation feels bigger than what you can carry as a friend, encourage them to speak with a pastor, counselor, or another wise helper. You might even offer to go with them if they are nervous.

Try not to jump into your own story.

As careful of a listener as I can be, with my friends, I often jump into my own story in the middle of theirs. If it’s a close friend, I simply return the story back to them as soon as I recognize I’ve highjacked the conversation.

I take a breath and say,
Oh and you were saying…

If it is a conversation that is more formal, I might repair it by apologizing:
Oh, I’m sorry, you were saying…

Practice with friends.

Be upfront and challenge each other to take turns being the listener. Give constructive feedback. Share how it feels to be heard and how hard it is sometimes to hold back.

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A Few Listening Practices I Learned as a Chaplain

Here are the deeper skills if you want them.

You don’t need answers. That’s God’s job.

You are not the solution department — you are the caring soul.
The best thing I can do in tough situations, after listening with deep care, is to offer to pray or offer to keep the concerns in my prayers.

Don’t grab a tissue right away when people cry.

The message often conveyed is: “stop crying, I’m uncomfortable with tears.”
But do have one handy.
Especially if you pray with them. It’s perfectly acceptable to open your eyes for a moment. If the tears have turned into a flood, a tissue may suddenly become an act of mercy.

Listen for little phrases that are snuck into the conversation.

I almost lost my mind. I almost divorced him. I felt lost. I was so down.
Often little gems are dropped in conversation, very tentatively, in the middle of a lot of other words. If someone gives you those words, don’t be afraid to ask about them.

Don’t always settle with first answers.

I’m fine. It’ll work out. God’s in control.
Maybe they’re telling you what they think you want to hear. Many people have felt unheard or rushed past. Let them know you care. Be balanced, don’t ask so many questions you’re intrusive, and also don’t be dismissive.

Don’t just do something. Sit there.

Presence is everything. Not having the answers. Not having the right Scripture at your fingertips or being able to pray the perfect prayer. Sometimes the best thing you can do is be there.

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Why Become a Safe Listener?

A couple of Scriptures come to mind when I think about listening.

One is the Golden Rule:
“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 7:12)

If we want to find good listeners, we can begin by becoming good listeners ourselves. If we want good fellowship among other Christians, we can model it. As we practice listening well, we may even attract others who listen in the same way.

The other is:
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)

Sometimes it is easier to do things for others than to give them our ears and our hearts.

Listening is loving your neighbor with presence.

As you listen, give small signs that you are attentive and ask a few gentle questions to keep the conversation going. The other person will feel heard and cared for. This gift creates space for honesty, comfort, and sometimes even healing.

And why else does listening to one another matter so much?
Because listening is not only a social skill. It is a spiritual one.

If we cannot slow down long enough to hear another person’s story, how will we learn to recognize the quieter voice of God when He speaks?

And as you become a better listener, you might wonder: who is safe for me to talk to?

Not everyone listens with the same care. Some people mean well but rush to fix, advise, or judge. Others simply aren’t able to hold someone else’s story well.

That’s where discernment comes in.