About ten years ago, I learned the meaning of “hangry.” Actually, I lived the embodiment of it. Pat and I were able to go to a convention in Hawaii, but took some time before it to visit Kauai.

We landed in Hawaii and, trying to find our connecting flight, we left the main terminal. Only after exiting the doors did we realize that most of the lunch options were inside the terminal and we could not re-enter. We shared a very overpriced Starbucks sandwich just outside the terminal doors and caught our connecting flight to Kauai. By the time we got our luggage, rental car, and checked into our lodging, we realized we were getting hungry.

We found a five-star hamburger joint and let them know we were really hungry. They sat us down and we waited for our server. We sat and talked about our trip.
And waited.
I broke out a lone granola bar I had in my bag and shared it with Pat.

We were now getting agitated that no one was taking our order.

I was five minutes away from looking for stray french fries like a Seattle Seagull at Ivars when we asked where our waitress was.

“Oh, she hasn’t arrived yet, but we expect her soon.”

“Could someone else take our order?” we asked.

“Oh, she’s checking in now.”

What? I thought. We told you we were hungry, and you seated us in a section where no one was even working yet? But I was still far too “nice” to say any of that aloud.

In that moment, I wasn’t looking for insight. I wanted the angel who fed Elijah (1 Kings 19:1-18). Sometimes we don’t need a lecture, a pep talk, or even an affirmation. We might just need a nap and something to eat first.

Elijah was frightened, exhausted, and wanted to die. God’s first response wasn’t to correct Elijah’s thinking. He let him sleep, then provided food and water. Only after Elijah had regained some strength did God gently speak to him.

Like Elijah, I didn’t need a sermon on anger management. I just needed a cheeseburger.

Get Curious

Emotions are informative. In this instance, I felt angry, but underneath that anger I was hungry, exhausted from a day of travel, and probably dealing with low blood sugar.

Feeling an emotion is not the same as choosing what to do with it.

In some Christian circles, certain emotions get a bad rap. Anger. Frustration. Sadness. Hopelessness. Restlessness. And then again, you can’t be too joyful, too excited, or too loud, either.

If you’ve been a parent, an aunt or uncle, or a friend of a small child, you’ve seen a meltdown. If it is a child you love, you don’t often think, that is an awful child. You might think, the child is tired, hungry, hurt, or overwhelmed. Maybe they are having a bad day, and sometimes they are just being ornery.

If you’re in the middle of raising toddlers, imagine your favorite niece or nephew on one of your better-rested days. Their tears become a puzzle to solve, not a character flaw to fix.

Yet when we ourselves have a bad day and have a meltdown, do we give ourselves the grace to figure out what is really going on?

Instead of saying,

“What’s wrong with me?”

What if we asked,

“What might I need right now?”

• Maybe you need food.
• Maybe you need sleep.
• Maybe you’ve been carrying grief for months.
• Maybe someone crossed a boundary.
• Maybe your schedule is too full.
• Maybe you’ve believed a lie about yourself.

Curiosity isn’t about excusing our behavior. It’s about understanding it so we can respond wisely.

Our emotions aren’t always accurate, but they often point us toward something that deserves our attention.

The emotion may be real, but the story we attach to it may not be true.

I may genuinely feel ignored. But then my mind adds, “Nobody values me,” “I don’t matter,” or “This always happens.” That is where I can pause, take the thought captive, and bring it before God. What happened? What am I assuming it means? Is an old wound interpreting the present? Lord, what is actually true?

Stuffing our Emotions

What doesn’t help is stuffing our emotions. Some of us learned early that expressing feelings wasn’t safe. We learned to stay quiet, not make waves, and not add to the chaos around us.

That was me.

There was enough turmoil in our home without me adding to it. So I became the “Good Girl.” I did well in school, stayed out of trouble (well…don’t ask my sister), and tried to be helpful.

But those feelings didn’t disappear. They had to go somewhere.

For me, they often went into food. I became a heavy child and have battled my weight ever since.

Other people numb their emotions with alcohol or other addictions. Some become angry and rebellious. Others bury themselves in work or stay endlessly busy.

Ignored emotions don’t disappear. They usually find another way to be heard.

Many of us became so good at ignoring our feelings that we assumed God wanted us to ignore them too.

Exploding

Anger is a powerful emotion. It feels powerful to the exploder; it can be very frightening to the people around them. I grew up in a very angry household and became sheepish around anger.

I learned how to walk on eggshells around other people’s emotions to try not to rile them. I used to be ready for DEFCON 1 and felt as though I had a tiny radar dish on my head that swiveled to detect any disturbances that might indicate trouble.

Through therapy, I have relaxed a lot. I still unconsciously scan rooms quickly for danger, a habit that developed while growing up in a very unpredictable home. It can be useful in certain situations, but I no longer need to feel like danger lurks in every corner.

One of the blessings of adulthood is that we can choose our friends. We aren’t stuck with the emotional environment we grew up in. Learning to recognize safe, trustworthy people has been an important part of my own healing. (I’ve written more about that in Who is Safe to Share With?)

I have discovered that I am able to stand up to most people’s anger. Perhaps a little too well.

There is a part of me I call “Yosemite Sam.” When this anger wells up inside me, with both barrels blazing, I know it’s time to get curious.

Which part of me is Yosemite Sam trying to protect? Usually it’s a younger part of me.

Has a boundary been crossed? Have I felt ignored, dismissed, or hurt?

Those are good questions to bring into listening prayer and journaling with God.

Remember, the Bible doesn’t say, “Don’t be angry.” It says not to sin in your anger (Eph. 4:26). The emotion itself is not a sin. We often point to Jesus cleansing the temple as an example of righteous anger. Honestly, I’m not convinced my anger usually that righteous.

That’s one reason the caution to be “slow to anger” (James 1:19) is so wise.

Instead of stuffing our anger or exploding in it, we can get curious. What is it trying to tell us? If the same anger keeps surfacing, what old story might it be connected to?

If we need the help of a wise counselor to help unravel it, we can take advantage of that as well.

Bring it to God

God is never afraid of our emotions, no matter how strong they may be.

David was never afraid to be raw and honest before Him.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life. (Ps. 139:23-24).

Like David, we can bring our hearts and thoughts before the One who created us.

God is trustworthy and will guide us into all truth. He may bring correction, healing, peace, understanding, or simply the assurance of His presence. He knows exactly what we need.

Joy, relief, peace, delight, and connection can also tell us something. They may help us notice what restores us, where we feel safe, what brings us life, and where God may be inviting us to linger with gratitude.

God invites us to bring our whole selves to Him. He delights when we thank Him, when we talk with Him for no particular reason, when we worship Him, and when His love flows through us to others.

So feel your emotions.

Just don’t believe everything they tell you.

Let Him show you what they’re trying to reveal and what is actually true.

And if you’re hangry…grab a snack before you smack someone.