When Boundaries Are Crossed

A few days after our oldest son’s welcome-to-the-family party, our house was broken into.

Not only had the burglar sorted through our son’s gifts, but one of each pair of my favorite earrings lay scattered across the floor. The thief had been interrupted by Pat’s return home and had fled by jumping the back fence, leaving behind clean drug needles.

Someone had crossed the boundaries of our home. Our home. Not his home.

We were angry. We no longer felt safe. Our sense of security had been violated.

Most of us understand physical boundaries. We know someone shouldn’t break into our home, steal our possessions, or invade our space.

Personal Boundaries

We have different kinds of personal boundaries as well.

Have you ever done the dance of personal space? Someone comes “too close.” You back up, they come closer… For some, it’s easier to find a way to escape than to say, “Could you give me a little space?” Culture, personal preference, and comfort play a big part.

Our bodies have boundaries. Have you ever had someone come up behind you and give your neck or shoulder a squeeze, only to turn around, see who it is, and feel eww?

We get to decide who touches us. It’s our body.

It has become a joke now, but Pat invented the Swivel Hug… I would come up to him and hug. He would hug for two seconds, swivel and escape. We hug longer now…I don’t know if his tolerance has increased or I hold on tighter…

We didn’t call it negotiating a boundary, but that’s really what we were doing.

In Christian marriage, where “the two become one,” marriage is also an image of Christ and His bride. Scripture speaks about sexual intimacy being part of marriage, but there must always be love and respect. Many boundaries in marriage are negotiated, but respect is not. Manners still matter. I don’t rifle through my husband’s belongings, enter a room without knocking when the door is shut, or pester him when he needs to be left alone. I say please and thank you. Those are simple acts of respect.

Of course I would never hit him, force myself on him, or block him from leaving the house, and neither would he do those things to me. Those things are beyond the limits of a loving, trusting, God-given relationship.

If those kinds of things are happening in your relationship, this is more than a disagreement about boundaries. Please reach out to someone safe and trustworthy for help. If you are in immediate danger, seek emergency help.

Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries are a little harder to put a fence around. They protect our time, our energy, our self-worth, our well-being. They include who gets to spend time with us, how much we share with them, and what we are willing to put up with. They include how we replenish ourselves, and how much we give to others. They include how intimate we are with others and how much we allow them to know about us and to know us.

We will talk about our boundaries with God in another article.

We are responsible for setting limits around our own time, energy, intimacy, and choices. No one else can or should do that for us.

We cannot control other people. Other people will affect us as we interact with them, pleasantly or not, and sometimes life simply requires things of us we would rather not do.

One thing we can usually choose is our attitude toward what is before us, though at times that can be challenging.

We may not be able to control the situation, another person, or even the emotions that arise in us. But we can usually choose how we respond. Not always easily. Not always immediately.

We are responsible for our own choices, responses, and boundaries.

Border Crossings

It’s not always obvious when our boundaries have been crossed.

Sometimes we know something feels wrong long before we can name what happened or why it affected us.

Sometimes the first clues are our emotions. Anger. Guilt. Shame. Embarrassment. That sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. Hurt.

Those feelings don’t always mean someone has crossed a boundary. Sometimes they point to our own sin, unrealistic expectations, or old wounds being triggered. But often they are signals inviting us to pause, be curious, and ask an important question:

Has one of my personal boundaries been crossed…by someone else, or even by me?

Maybe you don’t need to decide what to do about it yet.

Maybe the first step is simply to notice.

What happened?

What did you feel?

What felt invaded, taken, demanded, or ignored?

Sometimes anger isn’t telling us to attack. Sometimes it’s telling us that something matters.

Sometimes guilt doesn’t mean we’ve done something wrong. Sometimes it shows up because we’re considering doing something differently.

And sometimes that uncomfortable feeling in the pit of our stomach is worth paying attention to.

Bring it to Jesus. Ask Him to help you see clearly. Is there a boundary here? Has it been crossed? Is there one you need to set?

Talk it over with a trusted friend, counselor, or pastor who can help you untangle what is happening and discern whether a boundary needs to be set.

Because before we can learn to say no, we may first have to recognize that we were allowed to have a boundary in the first place.

Why? Because you matter. You were created by God to be uniquely you, to walk the life He has given you, to touch the lives of those He has put before you. You were never meant to be mistreated or mishandled. Christ lived and died for you. You have God-given worth that no one else gets to take away.