Some people set boundaries like walls that don’t let anyone in.
Perhaps a better way to build boundaries is to build a fence that has a gate.
But here is the trick: You’re the gatekeeper.
You can’t control who shows up at the fence or what life throws at you. You can learn to manage what gets through the gate.
Why Do I Need a Fence Anyway?
You are precious, made by God, with specific gifts and talents. However, you are not inexhaustible. Stewarding your time and energy, guarding your most precious relationships, and maintaining your peace are your responsibility.
Your inner resources are finite and can only be stretched so thin. Bringing your calendar and responsibilities before God in prayerful consideration is wisdom.
While some things must take up your time and energy, there are many other things you can say no to. But often we don’t say no. We command, we threaten, perhaps we give in.
Included in the fruit of the Spirit is self-control. Sometimes I wish I could control others, but nowhere can I find that as a gift that is given.
Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say
My children and I were visiting my sister, who lives five hours away, for several days. I told my children several times that if they didn’t stop fighting, we would leave my sister’s house early. It was a consequence, but it was also my fence. Nobody was enjoying their fighting. I did not want to leave early, but they would not stop. If I had not followed through and left, my fence would have been useless.
Nobody was particularly happy with this decision. However, my sister was proud of me for doing what I said I would do, because it isn’t easy to set boundaries that leave others unhappy.
Boundaries Are Not Commands
Sometimes we think we are setting boundaries when we are really just giving commands.
A command says “DON’T DO THAT.” A boundary says, “Whatever you do, I’m doing this.”
A command depends on the other person’s compliance, and you do not have control over what other people think and do. A boundary doesn’t require the other person’s cooperation.
You usually have control over yourself—what you allow, where you physically spend your time, and what you choose to dwell on emotionally.
With my children, they could stop fighting and stay, or I would take them home. They were clearly told their choice and the consequence.
I can command you, “Don’t speak to me that way,” or I can tell you what I will do if you do.
“I will end this conversation if you continue speaking to me that way.”
I don’t need you to agree that 10 p.m. is too late to call me.
I can silence my phone.
You can ask me for $200.
I can say no.
You can then ask me for $100.
I can still say no.
I don’t need you to agree that I’ve given enough money.
I can stop giving.
I don’t need you to agree that the conversation has become disrespectful.
I can leave.
You can choose to argue with me.
I choose to not engage in that conversation.
The gate works from my side of the fence.
I do not need to spend time convincing you to like my choices.
I can say I need to go now.
You can be disappointed in my answers and decisions.
I can live with that.
My time, emotional energy, body, and resources have been entrusted to me. I’m responsible for how I steward them.
When the Fence Doesn’t Hold
What happens when you set a boundary but it doesn’t hold? Sometimes what we’ve called a boundary isn’t really one.
Perhaps you are just making a threat.
“If you ever get angry with me again, I’m never speaking to you” is something you might say in frustration but won’t carry through.
A useful boundary might be:
“If you keep yelling, I’ll leave.”But if I have no intention of leaving?
Well, you’ve just installed a lovely ornamental fence.
“If you keep yelling, I’ll leave the room.” That might be doable and effective.
Perhaps you think your boundary will work if you hint at what you prefer. Or if the other person agrees with it, understands it, approves of it, and promises never to test it again. That isn’t a boundary. That is wishful thinking.
Perhaps you are giving in to begging or pleading.
They might call and call, push and push. You are still responsible for the gate.
If someone keeps crossing a boundary and I repeatedly abandon the consequence, I’m no longer maintaining the boundary.
There is an important difference between failing to maintain a boundary and someone deliberately violating one. Some people will bully, threaten, coerce, abuse, or otherwise disregard your boundaries. Their choice to cross your boundary is not your failure to maintain it. If you are being harmed or are unsafe, the priority is safety and getting help.
It can be worth asking why you keep opening the gate. Are you afraid of rejection or retaliation? Do you need the other person’s approval? Did you set a boundary you now realize needs adjusting? Understanding why a boundary is difficult to maintain can help you decide what support you need.
If setting solid boundaries is a challenge for you, it’s okay to start with smaller boundaries and work up to more serious ones. It’s also okay to enlist friends to remind you of your boundaries or be a safe place to go while you are working through a difficult situation.
If you are having trouble consistently setting or maintaining boundaries, it may be time to meet with your pastor or a counselor to talk through it.
You don’t have to guard the whole neighborhood. You don’t get to decide what everyone else does with their property. You are responsible for your fence, your gate, and what you do when someone comes knocking.
