My last article was about the lasting reactions I experienced after seeing something distressing. I kept asking, “where are the caretakers?” That sent me back to something that happened when I was a teenager that I was not proud of (Big Reactions that Linger).
I realized I took the total blame for something that involved many more people. I’m very good at self-blame, guilt and shame. I keep winning gold medals in Olympics I shouldn’t be entering.
In fact, as I think about it, I’m not sure I know how to look at past mistakes with sorrow or regret that isn’t soul-crushing. When I’m talking about self-condemnation, I’m judging myself more harshly than anyone else would dare. Thank God He is releasing me from that.
The Parts That Tried to Protect Me
My therapist and I have found IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy, approached from a Christian perspective (Christian IFS), to be particularly effective for my childhood trauma and memories. IFS therapy is best done with a therapist, especially in the beginning as you are learning how your internal systems work together.
IFS reveals parts, which are different sides of ourselves, that develop to help us handle life, especially during difficult or painful experiences. They are not distinct personalities, but more like layered bits of ourselves. Some parts become unsettled and stuck during certain points in time.
I know, talking about “parts” of yourself sounds a little strange, until you realize we do say, “A part of me wanted to do this, yet a part of me wanted to do that.”
In our most recent IFS Session, I discovered I had parts that had been protecting the hurt teenager in ways that made sense then, but were unhelpful now. In my imagination, I asked these protective parts to lay their burdens down at the foot of the cross. Their burdens were their jobs of feeling they needed to keep the hurt teenager hidden away.
After they laid down their burdens, I sensed a frightening, loud, and condemning part rise up. I felt this was a bad, maybe evil part. My therapist reminded me that my parts were formed to help me survive, not to hurt me.
I had heard the condemnation before, but didn’t know it was a part. I realized she was so afraid I’d make more bad decisions that she believed she needed to constantly remind me of my past mistakes.
For the first time, I could see she was trying to help. I thanked her for her efforts, but I also put limits on her. We made a deal: she would no longer condemn me unless she had permission from Jesus first.
Since Romans 8:1 says “…there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” I don’t expect to hear from her.
When Regret Outlives Its Purpose
In the aftermath of this therapy session, where I cried, forgave myself and dealt with parts, I found myself feeling much freer and clearer about this episode in my life. However, I also realized that I’m very hard on myself. I live with a lot of regret, guilt, and shame. Every. Single. Day.
I understand you might disagree, but to me, guilt and regret have short-lived usefulness. If you’ve done something wrong, hurt someone, broken something, lied, or worse, and have an active conscience, you will probably feel guilty. This may lead you to repent before God, make amends to someone else, ask for forgiveness, repair a relationship, etc.
You may have lasting regret because you can’t fix it. Perhaps it happened a long time ago, or the person won’t accept your desire to try to make it better. What can you do with this regret? I think you can learn from it. As time goes on, you can see how you have grown and ask the Lord to help you continue to grow into a better person. You might reach out to help others, but not out of penance. Jesus already paid the price. We cannot add anything to the Cross. We can live a thankful life devoted to God and loving people.
In Ephesians 4:28 Paul says, “The one who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must labor, producing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with the one who has need.”
He doesn’t say he should feel really badly about it, but change. And now this person will have purpose and be helping others.
When Regret Becomes Self-Condemnation
The second thing you can do is consider if your regret is tangled with self-condemnation, shame, or a lack of self-forgiveness.
For some reason, it seems more righteous to accuse ourselves and keep reminding ourselves of what we have done than to show kindness to ourselves. Self-punishment somehow seems helpful, but is it? How long is long enough to punish yourself?
One of the boldest and hardest steps we can take is to forgive ourselves. We can bring our self-condemnation before God and ask Him to help us understand why we’re still holding on to it.
But once we’ve confessed and received forgiveness, continuing to punish ourselves serves no redemptive purpose.
Once we confess our sins, “He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins…” (1 John 1:9). You are spiritually free.
PAID IN FULL
Guilt is because of something we’ve done. Shame creeps in when it becomes something we believe we are. Not I’ve made a mistake, but I am a mistake. Not I took something, but I’m a thief. Not I didn’t tell the truth, but I’m untrustworthy.
If you’re carrying shame because of something someone did to you, that shame was never yours to carry. Bring it to Jesus and let Him show you the truth about who you are.
When we confess our sin, it’s like a sticker is put on our heart: PAID IN FULL.
If we have a conversation with God about it, it might go like this:
Me: Lord, do you remember that time I stole a ring from the store?
God: You mean the time you then asked forgiveness for it?
Me: Yes, that time.
God: No.
Christ’s work is complete. God chooses not to remember our forgiven sins.
I Could Have Done That Better
Not everything we regret is a sin. Sometimes we simply wish we’d handled something differently.
I am an excellent overthinker. I replay conversations, interactions, and events in my imagination. I go over what I think I should or shouldn’t have done, words I think I should or shouldn’t have said. I didn’t even hurt anyone. I just could have done better.
And then I feel regret. And that’s fair. But I have a choice. I can keep kicking myself, or learn from it, forgive myself and do better.
However, sometimes our hearts, minds, and protective parts take a while to let go.
Why Don’t We Let Ourselves Off the Hook?
If we are free, why don’t we always live in the freedom we have? If Christ has set us free, why don’t we revel in it?
Perhaps we stay in a state of self-condemnation, guilt, regret, and shame because we fear repeating our mistakes or displeasing God.
Another reason might be that we believe we must continue to punish ourselves, as though our suffering were a form of penance.
Or maybe it never occurred to us to stop, or that it’s even okay to stop punishing ourselves for our past mistakes.
Like the woman caught in adultery, all of our accusers have left, and Jesus says to us, “Neither do I condemn you. Go. From now on sin no more.” (John 8:11)
Rethinking It
To live in self-condemnation, shame, and long-lived guilt and regret is like sitting in jail with the door unlocked. Even though we’ve been told we’ve been set free, still we stay.
Yet, doesn’t Scripture say:
“So if the Son sets you free, you really will be free” (John 8:36).
Perhaps you’ve taken your struggles to God, prayed, journaled, talked with wise friends or counselors, and still find yourself imprisoned in self-condemnation.
Let me give you another metaphor that shook me, and I hope might shake you.
Consider this: you have milk in your fridge. You know it’s gone bad, but you still drink it. It starts smelling like a science project, and you keep sipping.
Put Down the Milk
It’s not buttermilk, it’s not yogurt, it’s time to trade it. Once you’ve confessed your sin to Jesus, it’s forgiven. It’s time to consider if you’ve held on to the regret, guilt, or shame long enough. Have they done their work and are now causing harm?
Could you begin to believe what the Bible says? You are forgiven, clean, a new creation. Could you believe you are who God says you are? He says you are a child of the King, His delight. His own.
But don’t take my word for it. Ask Jesus who He thinks you are and then listen.
Learning to Walk Free
Take a chance on believing you can learn to trust yourself again. And, yes, that means you might make another mistake.
Actually, you will.
We all will.
Recently, I had a moment at work that could have gone better, and I started kicking myself. Then I thought, wait. I paused and asked myself, What can I learn from this? How can I do things differently?
And I still spent a day fighting the urge to be mean to myself. But I fought it. Because I’m not all the shame names I used to call myself. I’m a daughter of the King. I can learn and do things better.
Of all the gifts and fruit of the Holy Spirit, perfection has not been assigned to me yet. I’ll work with the other ones for now.
Making mistakes isn’t the same thing as being fundamentally unworthy, unlovable, or useless.
And next time you want to call yourself a name of shame, throw yourself under the bus, or send a self-condemning flaming arrow your own way…think of it like taking a sip of spoiled milk, and turn to Jesus.
Because what He offers is fresh and life-giving. He is Living Water.
Drink fully of the Living Water.
